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Hilarious and Thought-Provoking: A Collection of Steven Wright Quotes
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Steven Wright is an American comedian and actor known for his deadpan delivery and surreal, witty humor. He was born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA. Wright's comedy often involves one-liners and absurd observations about everyday life.
He gained widespread recognition in the 1980s, winning the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for his 1988 film "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings." His stand-up comedy specials, such as "A Steven Wright Special" (1985) and "Wicker Chairs and Gravity" (1990), further solidified his reputation as a unique and clever comedian.
Wright's comedic style is characterized by his monotone voice, slow delivery, and dry sense of humor. His jokes often involve wordplay, irony, and unexpected twists. Some of his well-known one-liners include:
- "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
- "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
- "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."
Steven Wright's distinctive comedic approach has earned him a dedicated fan base, and he continues to perform stand-up comedy as well as appear in various film and television projects.
50+ Steven Wright Quotes:
1. "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
2. "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
3. "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
4. "I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."
5. "I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing."
6. "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
7. "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."
8. "I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
9. "I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open."
10. "I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode."
11. "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
12. "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
13. "I'm in a taxi because my car is in the shop. And I wanted to see what it was like to get somewhere."
14. "I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
15. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
16. "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
17. "I got a belt on my treadmill that's two feet long."
18. "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
19. "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
20. "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
21. "I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it."
22. "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"
23. "I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
24. "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
25. "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
26. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
27. "I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
28. "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
29. "I have a dog. I named him 'Stay.' So when I call him, I say 'Come here, Stay!'"
30. "I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add."
31. "I got a dog and named him 'Five Miles' so I can say I walk five miles every day."
32. "I got a candle making kit for Christmas. I'm making a candle right now."
33. "I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
34. "I got a full-size mirror in my bedroom so I can see how I look when I'm alone."
35. "I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."
36. "I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious."
37. "I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
38. "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me."
39. "I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."
40. "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
41. "I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
42. "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
43. "I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So, I looked closer. It was made of grass."
44. "I got a Polaroid camera, but it came with no instructions. So I took a picture of my dog, and it came out on the side of the film."
45. "I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
46. "I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I throw at him."
47. "I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
48. "I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
49. "I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who's knocking before I decide whether to answer."
50. "I went to the doctor. He said I needed an operation. I said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"
These quotes capture the essence of Steven Wright's unique and clever comedic style.
Steven Wright Quotes About Life
Here are some Steven Wright quotes that touch on various aspects of life:
1. "You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time."
2. "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me."
3. "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
4. "I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing."
5. "I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
6. "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
7. "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
8. "I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
9. "I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
10. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
11. "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
12. "I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add."
13. "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
14. "I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
15. "I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it."
16. "I have a dog. I named him 'Stay.' So when I call him, I say 'Come here, Stay!'"
17. "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
18. "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
19. "I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
20. "I got a Polaroid camera, but it came with no instructions. So I took a picture of my dog, and it came out on the side of the film."
These quotes reflect Steven Wright's humorous and unique perspective on life, covering topics such as time, existence, personal habits, and the absurdities of everyday experiences.
Steven Wright Quotes About Work
Here are some Steven Wright quotes that touch on the theme of work and employment:
1. "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
2. "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
3. "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
4. "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
5. "I got a full-size mirror in my bedroom so I can see how I look when I'm alone."
6. "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted.' There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service.' So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
7. "I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add."
8. "I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list."
9. "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
10. "I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."
11. "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"
12. "I have a dog. I named him 'Stay.' So when I call him, I say 'Come here, Stay!'"
13. "I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it."
14. "I have a telescope on the peephole of my door so I can see who's knocking before I decide whether to answer."
15. "I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me."
16. "I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
17. "I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
18. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
19. "I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
20. "I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So, I looked closer. It was made of grass."
These quotes humorously reflect on various aspects of work, employment, and everyday experiences related to the workplace.
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